What do near-death experiences teach us?
I spent most of the Thanksgiving and pre-Chanukah/Christmas holiday season in the Hospital. It was no joke. The entire month, little freak things were happening to my body and health. The diagnosis' were all WEIRD- reactions to steroids taken for bronchitis, reactions to TWO electric shocks at my kitchen stove while cleaning the vent, and touching the bar of the oven to reach up because I'm just THAT short! The year began with the enemy trying to stop my dancing by messing with my ankles, then I received a healng and it went to the entire left side of my body. Finally, I went back to the hospital with chest pains because my steroids almost KILLED ME bringing my triglycerides to almost TWO THOUSAND.
I was not going to SHARE THIS WITH THE WORLD because I have a strong dislike for unsolicited advice. I love all the wisdom I gain from friends sharing their own experiences but when it comes to advice, I prefer my holistic doctor, my nutritionist my and PCP. Nevertheless, I need to let you know so I can testify how good God is and what Elohim did for me.
WHAT IS THE SECRET Ive been keeping for so long?
So now, Im letting the secret out. I FELL INTO DEPRESSION. Im not sure i even admitted this to my own husband and kids. I was ashamed tho having seen a doctor, she determined it was purely circumstantial. Since my mother and father died, I had lost my zeal I guess and purpose and I stopped singing- even online. From time to time I made myself go live on facebook to teach, only when after spending time in prayer, the Lord imparted knowledge to me. I couldnt beleive that I had spent so much time in prayer and I was STILL DOWN. I had an awesome support group but we stopped meeting in person. I had an awesome women's group, but I had stopped going. (Now I'm back) I felt GUILTY for being ingrateful and instead of repenting for my negative mindset, I drank in the prison of shame. I DISCONNECTED.
(above picture is when I keeping busy doing fun things with my children over the Summer and right after this, is when I began feeling down)
While I know my worth and value are not defined by what I do, I lost my sense of PURPOSE and my awareness and appreciation for God’s powerful spirit within. I did not wish to be my own booking agent because each time I call pastors and rabbis and secretaries, I would spend an hour getting to know them and never make the final ask. Or I'd get so worn out from the long call, I would lose the strength to make 10 more calls. I have Hashimotos for many years (thyroid disease), so my body has all this energy for hours and hours and then I just get to a point where I must be still and rest. I think we all do at some point but my fuse is relatively shorter than most women. My life feels like a series of sprints rather than a marathon.
WHAT CAUSED THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL?
Back to how I felt... I felt purposeless and too much like my life was undefined. All this was not based on the truth of God's word which tells me I am a gem in His hand and an ambassador of Adonai. We, His believers all matter even when we dont feel it. One of the things which brought me great joy- recording- became too expensive. Like me, you might have and might be experiencing the recent recession and seeing expenses increase. Seeing those I love suffer financially, I did not wsih to ask- even for Kingdom purposes, to my own chagrin.
Next, I lost all my jobs. The music school had no clients for me, so I was not teaching music. My kids joined the most amazing part-time private school- so I was practically released as their beloved teacher of 8 years PLUS though overjoyed to place them in amazing hands. Lastly, my husband retired, happy to take on many of what I believed were my roles at home. My kids needed me but not nearly as much as I was used to. My husband was with me, but we both kept busy cleaning the house and playing chaperone for the kids.
(Pictured here below....immediately after I got out of the hospital...our mini vacation to visit family in Tampa Bay and have a time of prayer together)
Despite my immense gratitude for ease of life, I became depressed by the stagnancy of my life and blurred spiritual vision which I now KNOW sent me to the hospital. For two months, I stopped taking all supplements and vitamins which were successfully keeping my pre-diabetes and to cholesterol levels down. Though I worked out and rode my bike, I literally stopped caring about healthy eating and soaked myself in the "river of Denial" (the Nile River- denial- play on words here)
Though the cardiologist admitted my triglycerides were only high because of the steroids I was perscribed AND I have a family history of this, he spoke TOTAL DEATH over me, His voice deepened as he predicted I was going down a dangerous path. the doctor breathed so much negativity on me, I hid behind the soda machine in the hospital hallway to pray and cry. Befriending my roomate at the hospital might have proved a mistake because as I tried to weep, she kept calling out as in a joyful chorus....Michelleeeeeeee she sang, Michelleeeeee. She even brokw out into "Michelle my bell" just like my mother would have, I might have laughed but all i could do was weep. I could not help her and she could not help me. My help is in the Lord.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night." Psalm 121:1
One of the many women who encouraged me
HOW GOD SAVED ME? WHAT DID HE SHOW ME?
When I was released, my cousin Sherral, who is a pastor and a few of my friends whom I confided in lifted me up. I did my research on the truth and the lies of what I was being told and immediately made an appt with my nutritionist.
What did I learn through all this?
The Lord has given me new conviction about the value of my life and how important it is to share my faith, even when I don't much FEEL like it. We need to validate other people's feelings and people need to hear (ike Yeshua made people understand) that we feel their pain. Yet feelings aren't facts. We need to apply the proverbial oxygen mask to ourselves before helping others. My focus on my own health had to be a priority and I needed to surround myself with like-minded people with similar health and wellness and spiritual goals like never before.
I also am learning that we are living on borrowed time so we must make the most of it. We do not know when our day or hour will come whether we are young or old.
Ephesians 5:15-16 tells us, “Be very careful, then, how you live — not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” In this passage of the Bible, Paul is telling us to make the most of every opportunity.
Now that I have been RELEASED physically and spiritually, I will testify of God’s goodness and grace upon me and hope to never take my voice for granted ever again. Though I am now in my "middle ages" of life, I feel young and alive, and ready to serve. I learned to keep my FOCUS on God's purpose and power for me, not on what I cant do but on what I CAN DO, and to keep my hands busy- not idle, caring for myself and serving God's people.
Let us Pray
Lord we pray we will not be bitten by the desire of the flesh to receive the approval of people. Let every bit of what we do (whether music, art , business or motherhood) let us do it purely and with purpose. We commit today by the Holy Spirit within us, not just to our physical and emotional care, but also to our calling to draw near to You, Yeshua and like Esther, to bring healing and salvation to the world FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS.
I hope you will come to join me at one of these upcoming events- in person- or online. May you know you are worth more than rubies to the Lord on High. This has been the longest ever inspirational but i Just had a lot to say and no time for edits. Love you for listening and caring and may God truly bless you.
Your friend always,
Michelle Gold
IF YOU NEED HELP, please check out www.Houseofprotection.org for sliding scale and affordable Christain therapy.
PS- I decided to get SERIOUS about everything my nutritionist was telling me. I restarted my exercise, healthy eating habits, and supplements
I also began saying YES more to ministry events within 3 hours of Boynton Beach, FL, where I could use my voice and testimony to bring healing and salvation.
Please share our number with your pastor/Rabbi and ask them to call my husband, and manager Minister Joe franco if you wish to have us come minster in leading worship, special songs or full concerts of praise anytime. 615-377-1101